the progression of love

I'd heard and read all the stories about that overwhelming love I could expect to have as soon as Cassidy was born.  "Nothing like it," and "You won't believe it," and "You'll never love anything so much, so immediately in your life."
Is it weird that that wasn't true for me?
When Cassidy was born nearly two years ago to the day, this baby I had been waiting for all my life, all I could think was "Wow, what a little alien!"  It's true and it's hard to admit.  I loved her, sure, of course I did.  But not as much as I do now, and not as much as I likely will tomorrow.

For me it's been like a slow steady stream turning into a river, approaching the ocean.  I have fallen in love with her more by the day.  Fiercely.

I used to feel a little guilty when she was a tiny infant.  Where was this epiphany that was supposed to overwhelm me?  Well.  I've got it now.

There are also moments, so many of them, that I want to bottle and save.  There is also awareness that this stage of cuteness that is almost crippling (I might fall down one day, more enamored than I can bear).  Sometimes  when we get busy, like when we were stacking wood last weekend and Cassidy was sliding ducky down her little plastic slide, singing songs and picking up ducky to hold and rock and make sure it was okay, I called a time out to my husband.  We stopped stacking and took the next 15 minutes to just play with her and bask in her joy.

I am also very much aware that all this cuteness will turn south one day when it won't be so fun when she's 12 and thinks her momma's an asshole.  Or any of the other altercations to come in her future.  Or worse, how many many strained, awkward and unsatisfying adult mother/daughter relationships that exist that must have been at one time this; this utter cuteness and depth.  What happens?

Maybe we are just gathering our reserves when they are toddlers.  Loving so hard and deeply that one day when that our patience isn't quite as easy to access, we have this whole well we've collected to dip into.  I don't know.  I hate to think that one day I might have rely on resources rather than be perpetually enamored and delighted my whole life.

I do know that she is going to wake up any moment and I can't wait.  And that the journey is different for every mother, every child.  And that I am going to soak up these moments, days and years while they are here in my present time.